Do you keep a list? I do. I have all sorts of list scattered in my notebook, laptop and phone. Daily to do list for personal and work. Monthly shopping list. Bucket list. List of writing ideas. List of CDs and books I want to buy. List of movies I want to watch. List of pro-cons in decision-making. List of things I want to do before 30. List of questions of the things I don’t know. Even list of my house inventory.
My worst trait is to forget easily. I need those lists to remind me. Everytime I think of something, I’ll jot them down so I won’t forget. Having lists helps me to set my priorities. For every priority is written, it’s easier to decide – rather than having it hanging inside my mind.
And guess what? Year 2011 had brought ‘shocking’ news: life is not adjusting to my list like I thought it would be. Life’s a bit trickier than that. What I have learned in 2011 is life is indeed organized, there’s a pattern for everything. But my lists are not good enough to understand the pattern. The system of life is much more complicated. The picture is too big. God’s picture is too big for my lists.
For instance, in my list I wrote ‘to start checking my health for having a baby next year’. But before I was able to tick it, the test pack showed positive. Then I started to make list of things I should do to prepare the baby. And right after I wrote all down, I had another miscarriage. I was devastated.
So I started seeing all kinds of doctors, until I met an acupressure practician who told me much more comprehensive knowledge about my health. And he told me that the miscarriage was a kind of blessing in disguise, because if I was pregnant with the condition, the baby might not be as healty. See the ‘pattern’?
Truth is, there are loads of dramas behind all the things that seemed fully organized. And 2011 had taught me to relax a bit. It doesn’t matter if I cannot tick every point in my list. It does not necessary means I’m not good enough. I should not feel guilty and put the blame on myself for the things I cannot control.
Perhaps my list helps me to make sense of the world. But it stops there. Because everyday is a struggle to understand the grandeur picture. Life’s a game, and I should be able to have fun and laugh more. And worry less. The tiny little space in my head is not the center of universe.
And the thought humbled me. I changed my way of seeing the list. It used to make me feel as a high-achiever if I can tick every entry on the list (especially ones in my bucket list and my things-to-do-before-30 list!). But I think my standard is ‘getting higher’. Achievements for me, is if I can do more good things today than yesterday.
Good things like smiling more to people. Like treat people nicer everyday. Like forgiving more. Like talking less and listening more. Like taking care of my plants and flowers so that all the ants and worms and every microorganism live peacefully. Like thanking God more for the beautiful sunshine and the air and everything given. Like giving more to people around me – attention, money, kind words, anything that I can give.
Year 2011 had taught me to be happy because of many little things, rather than one big thing.
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory." - Ingrid Bergman
So I guess my worst trait is also my best. Raise the glass to all forgetful people on earth, for they make the world happier place :D!
Don't worry too much :)
